I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
