I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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