the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
