when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
