youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
