We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
