I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Randomize
