Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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