I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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