I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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