I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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