That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Randomize
