Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
