i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
