glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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