i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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