i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
