I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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