I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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