I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Randomize
