the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
