Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
