My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
