He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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