I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
