my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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