Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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