ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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