Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
