Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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