i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
