Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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