The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
