I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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