Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
