i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
