Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
i think we sleep fucked last night...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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