Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
