I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize