It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
