When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
