I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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