I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My penis needs a shock collar
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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