Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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