you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
