just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
