OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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