totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
