I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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