I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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