watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
