Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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