she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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