She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
