So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
