He asked to "fluff my boner.."
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
