i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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