sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
