I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
