I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Randomize
