I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
