wrigley field is MILF paradise
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize