The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
