Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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