I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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