I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
