Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
