I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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