I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
