Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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