I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
there is glitter all over my balls
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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